Here I was thinking I’d start this whole “end of the blogging break/new blog look” blog with a delicious recipe or maybe an art project we did. That would be far too normal or something right? I did promise myself that when I did come back to blogging, I would stop trying to filter out everything and just be the real me. It’s not that I wasn’t me, its just the real me loves to swear, say inappropriate things at inappropriate times and has conversations with a 3 year old about why we don’t stick our fingers in our ass. Some people don’t like that and that is perfectly fine. In the great words of some 2016 teenager- “BYE FELICIA!”.. or something like that.
Close your eyes. Don’t worry! I’m not going to stick my finger in your butt. I’m going to paint a picture for you. It was a warm, sunny spring evening, the sun was bouncing onto the new constructed fence and fairy garden and there was one naked and unruly three year old with her finger in her butt. Got that mental picture? Good- here is how the conversation went.
Me- “Get yo finger outta yo butt. We don’t stick our fingers in our butts.” … I thought this was enough.
Miss I- “Why?”
Me- “Because thats where your poops come from and it’s unhygienic. You’ll need to go and wash your hands now please.” .. again, I thought this was enough.
Miss I- “Oh. Soooooooooo why?”
Me- “I just explained to you why. Poops come out of there and you’re sticking your finger all up in your butt, not washing your hands and spreading poop germs (that’s the scientific name right?). It’s unhygienic and thats how you and other people can get sick. Please come inside so we can wash your hands (and mine, feral child!).” …. I really thought this was the end.
We pop inside to wash hands and she asks if she can go back outside and play. Of course, its beautiful evening and she looks like a mighty cute, chubby pixie. Within 10 seconds her finger was straight back to being in her ass. Fuck my life.
Me- “WHAT did we just talk about. Get your finger out of your butt!”
Miss I- “HAHAHAHAHA! WHY?! NO MUMMY, IT TICKLES!!”
Are you ready for it? The best advice I’ll probably ever give my kid.
Me- “Well love, you need to wait until your an adult before you start exploring your butt, until then, it’s a bit gross and you need to get your finger out.”
Nailing. This. Parenting. Gig.