I was in the mindset yesterday that talking to someone would not help.. boy was I fucking wrong.
Last week, I finally admitted not only to myself but also Nick that I needed to talk. 3 years of buried emotions were rising to the surface and I felt like everything was out of control. It’s hard to do life when you feel like you’re about to explode. I opened up about this on Snapchat and was FLOODED with support and people sharing their own experiences when it came to talking to someone.
While everyone’s situation is different, we all share similar emotions. I know that talking doesn’t come easy, it most certainly doesn’t for me but fuck, it’s therapeutic. Talking doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are so incredibly brave and you should be proud of yourself. I promise you, it will help.
If you don’t know where to begin and feel like you can’t talk to people who are in your circle, go and see your GP or contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will be able to help point you in the right direction.
Here is what I got from yesterday.
There are no other words needed! Just do it.
I’m terrible at breathing. I go from one thing to another to another without taking a break. I try and do everything at once while attempting to help multiple people. The end result is me being stressed out and a little bit psychotic. I always feel like I am failing because I can’t do everything. From now on, there will multiple cuppa tea moments and a 5 minute sit down just to gather my thoughts and breathe.
Go and nab yourself a custom drink decal from Owl & Monkey so we can share cuppa tea moments together.
I never acknowledged just how blue my baby blues were. I had a pretty traumatic birth (I lost 3 litres of blood), both mentally and physically. We had only been home less than 24 hours when shit hit the fan and our life got turned upside down for 3 days. Instead of spending 3 days together with a newborn baby, Nick was in and out of the house trying to rectify someones selfish mistakes. It was all put on him to sort out. It took away precious bonding time and time that I needed with Nick around to help out. That situation is something I will never be able to forget or forgive.
I thought if I expressed how I was feeling, everyone would just be like “OH! It’s those new baby emotions. You’ve been through a lot, it will subside over the next few weeks”. The reality was, it wasn’t those new baby feelings. I was angry at the fact that someone had taken away the most precious moment we would experience in our lives.
The issue I have is that people just don’t fucking get it. You explain what having a “Gifted Child” is like and they ignore all of the negatives and focus on that word “Gifted”. Both Nick and I have expressed multiple times that Gifted is completely the wrong word for this form of special needs. It’s not a gift to suffer with Anxiety. It’s not a gift to suffer with OCD. It’s not a gift to suffer with sensory issues or an IQ/EQ Imbalance. It’s a shit storm.
You get the people who get it first time and take the time out to understand. I fucking love those people so much. THEN, you get the others who ignore everything and keep repeating the same sentence over and over again whilst walking around with a rainbow filled picture of what it’s like- “It must be so amazing! I wish my child was gifted!!!!” These people are not worth the time or effort and I need to stop trying to change the way that they think. I’m going to attempt to explain its once and once only.
Instead of focusing on “those people” above, I am going to focus on the ones who attempt to and do get it. These people are a rare bread and these are the ones I need in my life. While they don’t have to experience what we do and i’m so bloody glad they don’t, they try to understand as much as they can in order to get a better picture.
My babe’n sister wife Chanelle from I Am Stellar is a perfect example of this. She is doing our family photos and the other week she messaged to ask if there was anything she should or shouldn’t do so that she didn’t trigger any of Izzy’s negative issues. The fact that she took the time out to ask, blew my mind. At first I didn’t know what to say because no one has ever asked before. Nick was like “Babe, just say thank you!”.
THESE, these amazing humans are the ones who deserve all of my time and effort.
I never used to give a flying fuck about what people thought until I opened up Snapchat to the public. For me, Snapchat was/is our little daily video journal to documents our wins and failures so that when we had to go to the specialist or psychologist, we could show them our day in a 3 minute video.
It wasn’t until people started joining us is when is when I started to care. Their comments about what we should and shouldn’t be doing started to effect me. I shouldn’t have but when you’re already emotionally unstable and fucking exhausted, they get to you. They break you down even more. Then little things start happening like people telling other people things that aren’t true or making comments about your situation to others without even fact checking.
I know that I have one of those blunt/truthful personalities where you either like me or you don’t. I’ve got a weird sense of humour and the way that I talk is quite can be quite harsh when I’m not. As of yesterday, I’ve stopped letting peoples opinions get to me.
As much as I try to hide them, I really do. I’m not a robot.
This was not what I expected it to be like when we had a baby. Everything was supposed to be normal, there was not supposed to be any issues. We were supposed to have a normal child. My expectation VS our reality is so far off, it’s not even funny.
On our bad days when the OCD, anxiety, sensory issues and various other things are showing through, I wish that we didn’t get pregnant. I know that saying that out loud is absolutely horrible because there are people out there who cannot get pregnant or have really struggled, we were one of those. It took us 2.5 years to get Izzy. I remember exactly how hard it was.
I just think that had we not have got pregnant then life wouldn’t be so fucking shit. Don’t get me wrong, I love Izzy and I couldn’t imagine life without her, but when shit is bad, it’s bad. You can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and you don’t know if you ever will. The mental, emotional and physical exhaustion gets to me and I just sit here going “why did this happen?’.
Thanks to social media, I have been super lucky enough to add a few extra people to my inner circle. Without them, I would be lost.
I would also be lost without our wider circle (that’s you guys!!). I’m so incredibly lucky and grateful for the amount of support I get on a daily basis not only from friends and family but also complete strangers. As hard as it is to open up, make your inner circle a little bigger.
I know that I should have spoken to someone as soon as we got Izzy’s diagnosis. I put it off and put it off until I got to breaking point. While I know that things are nowhere near perfect, the first couple of steps have been taken.
It’s a work in progress.