“Our greatest battles are those with our own minds.” – Jameson Frank
Self doubt kills creativity. It can stop hopes and dreams dead in their tracks and it can suck the life out of you. It’s a wanker of a thing that destroys our self esteem, productivity and confidence.
Self doubt is my biggest personal demon and I live in a constant world of it. It’s a constant comparison against others and their lives as well as trying to find self worth through through people because I can’t seem to find it in myself. Our minds can play tricks on us and can let us be influenced by others or react to a certain thing or situation when it doesn’t need to. It’s worse when you’re already feeling vulnerable because of things that are going on in life.
Self doubt can take me from gangsta as fuck one minute to a mess the next. It takes away my happiness, my confidence and my ability to think clearly.
1- I’m not worthy enough to be friends with this or that person.
2- I’m not worthy enough to have Nick around as a husband and a father.
3- I’m not worthy of all of the love, support and friendship I have been ever so lucky to obtain via social media.
4- I’m not good or strong enough to have the kiddo that I have.
5- I’m not good enough to educate Izzy at the level she needs.
6- I shouldn’t even attempt a certain project because I’ll fuck it up.
7- I shouldn’t share things on SM or write blogs because they’re not good enough.
8- I should stop sharing our days on snapchat because they aren’t interesting enough.
9- You don’t do a good enough job at anything
10- If I do or say this, then these people will judge me for it.
The list goes on.
Last night I felt like I was failing at everything to do with everything. There was lots of “I’m just going to delete it. It’s not worth this anymore.” – self doubt was starting to win. Once it gets its claws in, it can be hard to shake. It niggles constantly just to let you know that it’s still there and hasn’t disappeared.
Before social media, I was that person that did not give a fuck what anyone thought. I spoke what was on my mind, I swore as much as I wanted and did certain things without worrying and I was me.
Social media got me and made the self doubt worse. I all of a sudden had to be careful of what I said for fear of upsetting someone because they didn’t share the same view. I had to be careful not to do certain things with Izzy because I would get attacked for not “letting her be a kid and forcing her to do all of these things”. I all of a sudden cared what people thought. It sucked me in like a giant big sucky thing.
Today we had a family day. We headed out to the airport to watch aeroplanes take off and land. We went into the city to grab coffee, macarons and hunt busses and trains. Izzy was climbing on the these big glass peep holes that look onto the train platform underground. She stood up and looked to the sky with her mismatched outfit and pom pom hat.
At that moment in time, the world had stopped, there was nothing bothering her and she continued to look as if there was no one around her.
I realised that I needed to take a leaf out of her book- she simply does not give a fuck what people think.
I’m not everyones cup of tea and I know that. My life isn’t perfectly portrayed over social media. We don’t have fancy house with designer or labelled shit about the place. We do things completely differently to most because we have to. My sense of humour is terrible and I’m blunt as fuck but that is who I am.
After watching Izzy, I made a pact with myself. The self doubt, my biggest personal demon, will no longer win.
Lets go back to that list and answer with some clarity.
1- Do you know what? You are but you don’t have to be! Friendships don’t always work out so stop trying to make them. Your personalities might clash, you might see something in them that you don’t like or vice versa. Our taste in friends change all the time.
2- If that’s the case, you wouldn’t be married or have a beautiful child. He chose YOU. You guys are totes cute BFF’s for life and were made for each other. You know that deep down.
3- There are some amazingly wonderful people out there, be grateful for them and never let them go!
4- Have you been watching yourself over the last four years? You fucking are!
5- As above!
6- If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.
7- Remember why you started this.
8- They’re not going to be interesting to everyone but this isn’t about them, this is about recording your day with Izzy BUT if you can help just one person, that’s awesome!
9- You do the best you can at everything you do and you know it. Stop comparing against others.
10- Who gives a fuck? Go back to being you!
I am good and worthy enough.
You are too.