The life that I had pictured when we found out that we were pregnant was one of normality. It was one that had this normal child that hit all of her milestones when she was supposed to, slept through the night and was a breeze of a kid who loved doing normal kid things. It was one that had me at home for 5 years, taking my kid to playgroups, kindergarten and then off to a regular school.
I was supposed to go back to work, help earn an income for the house, pick my kid up at 3pm and then be home to get dinner organised while my kiddo played by herself or watched TV for half an hour. I actually wanted two kids.
The life I have is not that. It is far from normal, my child is far from normal and those milestones were hit at stages which weren’t normal. I can only have one child. She doesn’t sleep through the night, in fact we see her face as much at night time as what we do during the day. She isn’t a breeze of a kid with her various mental health issues such as OCD, anxiety and sensory problems.
She is homeschooled because she requires educational stimulation at a constantly high level the entire time she is awake, I can’t go back to work, she won’t attend a regular school and she cannot play by herself because of the constant need for learning at a 9+year old level. We are ALL constantly run down as well as mentally and emotionally exhausted.
This is NOT what I signed up for.. AT ALL.
I didn’t sign up for the special needs child.
I didn’t sign up for the mental health or sensory issues.
I didn’t sign up for the constant sleep deprivation or mental and emotional exhaustion.
I didn’t sign up for all of the specialists.
I didn’t sign up for all of the nights sat in front of a computer looking for answers.
I didn’t sign up for all of the extra money we have to spend on resources and things that aren’t funded by the government for her form of special needs.
I didn’t sign up for the kid who was fine one minute and the next in emotional and mental pain.
I didn’t sign up for hating my husband because he gets to leave the house and go to work.
I didn’t sign up for the kid who needs constant educational stimulation the entire time she is awake.
I didn’t sign up for this. I really didn’t.
People tell me that it’s not OK that I feel these things. It’s not OK that I feel this way about my child or my husband. It’s not OK that I wish things were different and that I should be grateful. Don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful that we have her. We had a fair few failed attempts and it took 2.5 years to get Izzy but there are days where I wish we didn’t BUT I am allowed to feel this way.
There are days where I strongly dislike my child and the life we now HAVE to have. There are days where I feel like we shouldn’t have had a child because it would be easier on all of us. There are days where I want to shake her and scream at her to “just be fucking normal!” There are days where I sit here and cry because I feel like I cannot do this anymore. I feel like both Nick and Izzy would be better off with someone else who can handle shit.
I am allowed to feel this way. You are too.
I know that there are A LOT of people who feel things about their situations and I want you to know that whatever you are feeling- it is ok. It is also ok to not be ok and if that is the case, please seek some help to get you through.
It is OK to think that life could be better.
It is OK to wish that things were different.
It is OK to dislike your child some days.
It is OK to hate your child in the middle of the night when they won’t fucking sleep, just make sure you hug them tight in the morning.
It is OK to cry about how shitty you feel life is.
If someone tells you that it’s not- give them the middle finger and tell them to go fuck themselves.
While I didn’t sign up for any of the above, I did sign up to love a child unconditionally and that is exactly what I will do. Even if I have my moment of hatred at 115am talking to the kiddo about how yoghurt was first discovered.