This is just so you know.
– The new fucking intense seperation anxiety.
– The statement “the monsters in my dreams makes me want to kill myself”.
– The monsters.
– The Autism side of things and not being able to recognise others peoples emotions no matter how much we articulate it.
We’re not coping.
– The 5 minute reptitive “You’re coming home aye? You’re not going to leave? You won’t get hurt? You’re coming home? Wake me up in the morning? Can you wake me in the morning? You will be here when I wake up?”
– The 10 minutes it takes to leave preschool each day.
– The blank stares and dark eyes.
– All of the other shit that comes along with this form of special needs.
We’re not coping.
The last 5 days have been a dark, fuzzy blur. The usual coping mechanisims are not working. The only thing that is, is shutting down both mentally and emotionally. We are finding it hard to function. We are finding it hard to be normal. We are finding it hard fullstop.
I can’t pretend that everything is ok at the moment because it’s not.
I cant pretend to be “normal” because i’m not.
I can’t put a fake smile on for anyone because it’s too hard.
The good moments are lasting a few seconds while the bad moments are lasting a few hours.
My head wants to snapchat and carry on as normal by my heart is speaking louder saying “DON’T!”. It’s dreary, it’s full of meltdowns, tears and shit. It’s depressing. For the last 5 nights, whilst we have shared a few laughs, the rest of the evenings have been spent on the couch, under a blanket in utter silence.
We are just exisiting and not coping. Today I tried to do more than that. The 4 hours was “normal” until we got home and it was back to “current normal”.
Right now we have no desire to do anything that we love. We have no enthusasim for anything. Everything is consumed by things we currently cannot control.
We are waiting to see the psychiatrist. Until then, we will just continue to exist.
I’m sorry shits boring. I’m sorry shits depressing. I’m trying to sort it all out ASAP.
Just so you know… there is no fucking way that this is a gift. There is no fucking way that her or our life is Gifted.
Gifted is the wrong word. Gifted is a form of special needs.
Our babies are a gift but this form of special needs is not.