There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t blame myself for all of Izzy’s issues. The need for glasses, the whole gifted thing, the mental health issues, the Aspergers and ADHD traits – everything.
Was there something I could have done to stop it all? Could I have taken more vitamins and minerals? Did I not take enough folic acid? Because I have a track record with mental health issues, did I pass it on to her?
There are traits in her of me that I see when I look at her, especially when it comes to the anxiety and I’m like… this is all my fault. Logically I know this isn’t true. Her brain is wired completely different to that of “normal people”. It’s actually wired differently. The connections are not where they should be. But could I have stopped this from happening?
When the OCD or anxiety meltdowns ensue and I see her be taken over by this horrible part of her mind, the guilt intensifies. Maybe if I’d taken a different vitamin, she wouldn’t have to suffer from this. When she washes her hands 3958504 in one go I think, maybe I could have had fewer cups of tea while I was pregnant.
When she sits on her bed screaming because the monsters are attacking her and yelling at her I think maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that sushi when I was 7 months pregnant. There are so many things that I wish I didn’t do because maybe that would have stopped all this from happening.
Tonight I had to manhandle her into bed. I’ve never had to do that before. Her head was crazy, she was going crazy and the only solution was to put her in a safe place- her bed. The entire time I kept saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.”. I knew that what I was doing was the right thing but I still felt and still do feel guilty.
She’s been asleep for a couple of hours already but I could have done something different to stop it all from happening?
When we went to the psychologists, I remember her sitting on the couch and looking at Izzy. She said, “you have a very very very special little girl.” At the time I kept thinking, “OK, this isn’t all in our head”. While all kids are special and are gifts from nature, I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck is so special about all of this. Could I have done something different to stop all of the “specialness” from happening?
While I know that always feeling like it’s my fault is completely illogical and it’s not, I don’t think the guilt will ever go away.