It’s so easy to get trapped in the fog that can surround you.
It sucks any bit of happiness out of you.
It sucks the life out of you.
It can make you downright fucking miserable.
It’s hard to break.
I go through these phases where, what I can only describe is thick, heavy fog, surrounds my mind. It’s so bad that I cut everyone out just so I can get through the day without having to worry about anyone else apart from the ones that I need to. Without worrying to try and maintain friendships or working relationships. I shut myself off from the world.
It’s something I try not to do and I know it is a huge flaw but, it’s the only coping mechanism that gets me through. I have needed that coping mechanism over the last few months. I didn’t want to be answerable to anyone apart from myself.
I’m not one for talking it out. I find it hard because I’m mostly alone and I know that most people don’t understand. They probably don’t understand because I don’t want to burden anyone.
A month ago, I jumped on FB and removed 99% of the people from my personal account. The only people I kept were a couple of family members and Nick. FB connects you to people and I didn’t want that. I even removed a friend I had been friends with for years.
You see, the whole Gifted kid thing with mental health issues and all that other shit, it fucks with me daily. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I am a person who needs answers and I don’t really have any. Maybe it’s because I am a perfectionist and want to fix it all for all of us but I can’t. Maybe it’s because this whole thing can be so isolating and lonely and the only person that really understands everything is Nick because he lives this life with me.
There are more bad days than good and even on a good day, we just scrape through mentally and emotionally. It’s all just one big fight to get through.
Add all of this to general life stuff as well as trying to maintain a somewhat “healthy marriage”, keep up with specialist appointments, living up to other peoples expectations and everything else we’re supposed to do and sometimes it all gets too much. Too much that I become numb and I just need to feel something.
That needing to feel something resulted in some unhealthy coping mechanisms that end up doing more harm than good and it just becomes a vicious cycle because it’s easy to get trapped. Trapped in a place I thought I would never get trapped in again.
It took a while to break that vicious cycle. 42 days in fact but for now, it’s broken.
“Let your unhappiness and frustrations be fuel to break your vicious cycles”