Each day is like Groundhog Day
You wake up with a positive mindset and everything comes crashing down around you within 5 minutes of starting the day.
Meltdowns, OCD and anxiety issues, sensory issues, usual 5-year-old stuff issues. One issue after the other and none of them seem to make logical sense to you because to you, you don’t see why something needs to be done so precisely.
You don’t see an issue with the socks. You don’t understand that the monsters have no transformed from people into black snakes. You don’t see an issue with anything because to you, there is no issue but to her, there is. Big ones that are mentally wearing her down.
You’re so used to dealing with this almost adult-like child that when the 5-year-old emotions and behaviour comes through, you’re so fucking confused and you don’t know how to deal with it because of the IQ/EQ imbalance – the one issue that mind fucks with you the most.
You then feel guilty because it’s 7am and you’ve already lost is 5 times in the space of 30 minutes and as much as you’re trying to reason with a small insane human, nothing is working. You feel guilty because you don’t understand whats going on inside her head despite the 395737434 hours of research you’ve done and the various coping mechanisms and techniques you’ve tried to use.
Off she goes to preschool where she puts on an act as if nothing is wrong. I know how mentally draining that is so I can only imagine what it’s like for her.
Preschool get the best of her because home is her safe space where she can let it all out. You come home and plonk yourself down on the couch, already mentally exhausted at 930am with a cup of tea and a block of chocolate because day drinking is frowned upon and although you’d love to get shit-faced to forget about the problems, you know that will result in abusing in a problem of your own. You can’t drink anyway so chocolate and tea it is.
230pm rolls around and you’ve consumed copious amounts of tea, polished off a block of chocolate and done nothing with your day. Made it through 6 episodes of Lock Up though. “Ahh this is why I’ve put on 5kgs” you think to yourself and off you go with a fake as shit smile plastered on your face to grab the child from preschool, continuously praying to whoever/whatever is listening that everything will be good when you pick her up.
She’s ditched the socks you spent what felt like hours trying to get on her feet, she’d been hit at preschool and you can see the demons in her eyes. You get home and it starts as soon as you walk in the door. You’re counting down the fucking seconds until the hubs walks in so he can take her away before you really lose it. She ate something new tonight so that’s a win you say to yourself.
Up to bed you go. Never mind that its 6pm. You have a good cry because you’re mentally and emotionally ground down and vow that tomorrow will be a better day and no matter what, you’ll keep your shit together and try and help her as best as you can.
Nick cooks dinner, you both eat dinner in bed because going back downstairs is way too hard and then roll over and go to sleep. You love him but slightly resent him because “he gets to leave the house and doesn’t have to deal with it all during the day”.
You both wake up 3957492323 times a night and every time you go into her bedroom, it’s the same stuff. You both say the same thing in the same reassuring voice 3957492323 times. “Do you promise you’ll wake me up at 7 o’clock” a little exhausted says and even though you’ve both said yes, she still asks you 3957492323 times to keep whatever it is happy.
You love her more than life itself but in your head, you’re screaming “I WISH YOU WERE FUCKING NORMAL! GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!”. You’re also replaying all the shit anyone has ever said to you about how “you should do more things for yourself” and “it’ll get better” and you hate them.
The guilt kicks in again because she says something so incredibly sweet and you forget about all of the anger that was flowing through you just a second ago. None of this is her fault, she was born this way and she’s struggling as much as you are, if not more and needs us to help her.
It finally stops around 3am and you get to close your eyes for a good 2-hour stretch. “Maybe the next round of assessments will give us answers and help” you say to yourself.
The alarm goes off and it starts all over again for another day.
Each day is like Groundhog Day