It’s a bit of a shit statement to make but I’ve learnt that this is perfectly acceptable though and I am ok to admit it. While none of this is her fault in any way, shape or form, those feelings still arise. I will never tell her that I hate her, ever but I cant help how I feel.
Society makes us feel bad for having these feelings. Not being able to freely express these feelings can lead to feeling isolated and scared and we end up feeling way worse for having them.
– I hate how much she has changed our life.
– I hate how much stress and pressure she puts us under.
– I hate everything that she needs.
– I hate the labels.
– I hate the specialist appointments.
– I hate having to be constantly defensive.
– I hate having to constantly reiterate that this stupid fucking label is not what it implies.
– I hate the middle of the nights.
– I hate everything that is attached to her.
– I hate the mental health problems.
– I hate how she has impacted our relationship and marriage.
– I hate how much she has affected my mental and physical health.
The list is a mile long.
I hate everything.
I’m angry at everything life has given us thus far in terms of Izzy. Again, none of this is her fault but she is the centre of it all.
There used to be days where I felt like I failed as a parent because of having these negative thoughts towards her but i’ve learnt that it’s ok to feel like this. It is also ok to express these feelings to your child/children. Not in their raw state but in a controlled way.
While I sit on the couch and nurse her through whatever is going on that day, on the inside I am screaming. I didn’t want any of this and I still don’t. I have never told or shown her the true extent of my feelings. I will never tell her that I hate her, ever, but I do show her a tamed down version of them.
None of this parenting thing has been conventional for us. I had this idealistic scenario where parenting for us would be like parenting for everyone else with a normal child/children. I’m constantly envious of people with their normal kids. Their life might not be normal but their kids are.
Hiding and burying these feelings away at some point causes rage. This shows her that I am not in control of my negative feelings and that any similar feelings she might have, are not ok and need to be hidden away. When I hide my feelings away, she is shown that having them in unacceptable and wrong and that she needs to do the same.
There are times where she needs to know that I don’t have my shit together. I need her to know that I don’t have it under control at all times and I am just as blind in this journey as what she is. I need her to know that although I will always keep it together 99% of the time, 1% of the time I need to let it all out as well.
While I have negative feelings towards her at times, she has helped shape me into the person I am and she has taught me many things. However, she has also pushed me to limits I didn’t even know existed. She has caused me to sit in the corner of our room and cry numerous times over. She has caused me anxiety and panic attacks. She has caused me to want to pick everything up and leave.
Izzy is amazing and I love her more than all of the stars in the sky but she is a jumbled up, complicated, mis-matched wired human who is fucking hard work. I love my her and I do the absolute best that I can to ensure she is loved, safe, protected, cared for, educated and all of those other things. Everyday, blood sweat and tears goes into making sure all of these things happen.
But on those bad days, I hate her.
It’s ok to feel like this.
It’s normal to feel like this.
I am ok to admit this.